God, Please Kill Me!

Reading Getting Dirty: Sex Is Great But Let's Be Honest by Christa Biyela had me searching for more of me. With every few pages I stopped and pondered about my own life, my childhood, my experiences and views on HIV/AIDS, sex, abuse, religion, living and dying.

Christa writes about how at some point in her life she spent nights praying to God, asking Him to take her life...I stopped and read that part again...It got me thinking, it sounded so familiar. I had said this prayer before, more than once.

So have you ever prayed this prayer? Asked God to take your life? What do you think God said? Oh well I guess it was a 'no' if you reading this. I think God laughed every time I asked Him to take my life.Thing is I always feel helpless whenever I ask God to end my life.But somehow after more prayer and usually a good cry and sleep I feel better.

Have you ever said a similar prayer? Did you feel helpless? How did you get that feeling to go away?Can you imagine feeling like that for days, weeks, months or even years? I imagine that's what leads to people taking their own lives...feeling helpless, believing you can't be helped, feeling lonely even though you are not alone. Feeling like you can't talk to anyone at all, fearing that you will be judged as weak and crazy or that your cry for help will not get you the comfort you think you need as remedy...it must be a really dark place.

I do not wish this for anyone but its happening to someone out there, a stranger or maybe even a relative or friend. In past few weeks I've been introspecting a lot on this...am I still a friend even in need? Will and can I listen and not judge? Do the words that I utter bring light or do they further destroy? How much do I really care about the needs of others? Do I sincerely and freely love? If you are reading this and feeling helpless, lets talk, its the least I can offer you right now. No matter how you "feeling" truth is you are loved and you need to find the path back to Love. 

"May Yahweh look with favor on you and give you peace." - Numbers 6:26

MEN IN MY LIFE: The INTRO

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the men in my life. Initially it was thoughts of the men I am surrounded by right now in my life and then I started paging my past and thoughts of those who were in my life started popping up. These thoughts have taken me on a journey of emotions and realising that this male specie has (and still is) actually affected my life quite much. I have been thinking of writing this piece for quite a while now but just could not decided how deep I want go.

As I am typing my trusted VOR (voice of reason) is whispering the word 'series...series' and as it might sound like a good idea I’m also laughing because I know myself well enough that chances of me finishing a series of writings are more on the slim side...and there I am on the other opposite end! (Maybe not the other end cause I’ve lost a few centimetres and grams over the past two months, so maybe I’m three quarters away, but that’s a post for another day!) The VOR is now screaming ‘Do it for the men!’ Okay! Now I have two decisions to make...and I haven’t even started sharing my thoughts, experiences and stories of these men...ja neh! The VOR is now telling me to chill...I think my VOR is a man...because most of the men that I have known in my life are chilled beings, especially those that are from elokshin. “Location” brothers are always laid back and looking cool: you greet them voice all high pitched and waving franticly then location brother would just nod back and if you lucky (or liked) you will get somewhat of a smile/smirk and its norm from where I’m from!

So Ima rep where I’m from and keep it chilled. I will try out writing series of blogs about these men but I am not sure if I will complete them but what I do promise is that I will be as honest and true as possible. I want to share the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly and most importantly what I have learned and I am currently learning from and through my brothers. I believe God made male and female for a reason and I am convinced that it wasn’t for the “battle of sexes” but for a much more meaningful and mutually benefiting purpose.

Love Yezulu

*Location/ elokshin: Township

CHATS with GOD

I have not posted in a while and truth is I have been busy. Stru!! Not too busy to post but my mind has been so occupied with getting my new work up and running that I havent had the time to collect my thoughts into a single blog post. It has been a ride of excitement, frustration, anxiety, joy, self doubt and all other emotions which have just really turned my life into a mini circus. I have felt that I was on track one day then felt like I was at the end of me the next. My emotions have never been so active and as a result I have found myself on my knees conversing with my Father more than ever. I so need Him, His guidance, His Word more than ever before. I have grown to love these conversations even though  I do most of the talking (tltltltltlt!!) but I like how wherever I am, I can just stop and have a chat with my Creator and not neccesarily because I want to ask Him for something but just to thank Him, I have learned to come to Him with my joys too and just thank Him for His kindness and grace...and as we move closer to Passover week-end I cannot help myself but think of the LOVE sacrifice that took place so that I could be free to chat to my Father, whenever, wherever and about anything! This has been my greatest joy and benefit through the journey of starting PURPLE CLOTHING  and I hope to share it with others through my words, work and especially my deeds. No matter what happens my friend just know that God knows it all, sees it all and no matter how low we maybe feeling, we MUST trust that He is made a way and Jesus is thay Way!! :)
Ps. These are some of the pics of my work...

PEACE, JOY & LOVE

Photography by: Meg'N Photography

CHOOSING MY HARD

This has been by far my most sickly year. I have had hectic Tonsillitis: which had me in bed for two whole days. And recently I have had two encounters of  "Inyongo" (that is when the bile in your gallbladder acts up) one of which I am recovering from now.  I have never experienced so much nausea in my life and to think how much most preggies women and chemotherapy patients have to endure is way beyond me, I truly found new respect for both.
Like most of us (if not all of us) I hate being sick. I hate being confined to a bed and not having the strength to do as I will with my body its frustrating and just down right irritating. After the Tonsillitis saga I hadn't given much thought to what could have caused it and I didn't really care much, I was just glad I was well again, but with the first Inyongo experience I just knew that my body was complaining  and just had enough of my  unhealthy eating. I went through the nausea and vomiting and thought that was it, no need for caster oil or any other laxative for that matter, I was sorted for the year, so I thought.

 Well right now I am recovering from my second Inyongo and I feel guilty and defeated. I am guilty because even though my body sent me a warning not so long ago, I still ignored it and I am defeated because it (my body) has shown me that its not just my own to do as I will but it is Gods temple and MUST be treated as such...and in all honesty my body has been way too kind; looking at my history with food. It is high time that I re-commit (physically and spiritually) to healthy eating and regular cadio...its not an easy road to travel but then again which is?  

"Losing weight is hard.
 Maintaining weight is hard.
 Staying fat is hard.
 Choose your hard!"
-toned-tanned-fit-and-ready.tumblr.com

Peace.Joy.Love!

#PicStory001: The Princess and the bookshelf

Once in Africa...

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE END! :)

 

 

Peace,Love&Joy!

MY CROWN, MY FREEDOM

Before the haircut!

I locked my hair because I wanted freedom. I had shaved off my sleek relaxed bob and without my consent the hair dresser cut a whole centimetre more than what we had agreed on...and I know that this has happened to a whole lot of sisters out there, when minutes after the consultation the hair dresser starts with the shady politician tendencies and does not deliver the promised goods...I have resolved that there are three things that ladies should stop looking for and just let God bring to them  that is; the perfect pair of jeans, the unerring hairdresser and Mr Right (FOR YOU!!)

After hair cut

I left the salon feeling more relieved than I had expected, even with the dreaded 1 cm shorter haircut. I got home stood in front of the mirror and I was satisfied and ready for freedom! My hair was easy to wash and comb, easy to base and hair food consumption drastically dropped. I dyed my hair cherry red, then "Passion" plum; it was a really good season. And as all seasons begin; they must come to an end too! A new season had come; I finally locked my afro. Now I must say that I really feel robbed because what happened next was really not part of the deal or I must have missed the fine print when I signed this bugger!! 

Instead of what I thought would be a stroll on the clouds (while eating ice-cream) this is what I got:

After the 8 hours of waiting!

·         To get my hair locked by the best in town I had to wait 8 hours, a whole working day to get my hair done!! 8 hours!!!

·         I then had to come back every two weeks for a treatment, mind you I am just a student at that time and as for most students financial statuses , it’s really more famine than feasts and I was no different.

·          And when I had managed to get enough money I still had to wake up early in the morning to get to the hair joint before it was opened so I could at least leave before lunch time.

Hooked Up by Brother Mike

·         Even though I was guaranteed to leave looking extra good, I really didn’t feel good because my poor locks would be pulled so hard as result of styling. I definitely did not anticipate that I would put myself through such torture!   

I then finally had a meeting with myself and said ‘self, enough is enough!’ From that day I decided that would tend to my hair and let someone else handle it on special occasions. I’m glad I made that decision, even though I struggled a bit at first but now, I pat myself on my back, after all, ayikho indlovu esindwa umbombo wayo! I’m less frustrated, my hairline is healthy and I haven’t combed my hair in more than two years!! Now that’s my idea of   FREEDUUUM!!



My crowm of FREEDUUUM!

 

 

Memoirs of a Zulu Girl

Meeting up with my girls earlier today I decided to ditch my usual laid back student outfits for  a POWER cum HIRE ME NOW outfit; a cobalt blue tailored dress with zipper detail, red leather wedge sandals and gold tiered ear candy, modest make-up and lots of pale pink gloss!! Oh and a black figure belt, yessss I also I have a “figure”, it’s wider but it’s a figure none the less!!

So I’m waiting for my friends to pitch up and this bhuti comes up to me and greets and offers to buy me uphuthu and ubhontshisi...I didn’t even laugh, I politely said ‘no thanks’, he then offered phuthu and imfino...>Ja neh! < I kindly rejected his request yet again with a smile which grew into one of my best laughs today!

I really thought that I looked more like a salad, sushi and pink drink kinda girl today but somehow the Zulu me overtook the à la mode me like a South Beach taxi on a pay day Friday afternoon; forget The Wheel and UShaka Marine, this taxi is going straight to e-renki!!

I am however glad that with all western adornments my Africanism still shines through!  So if you see me dressed to the 9’s and nibbling on igwinya spare me the snobby look, it doesn’t suit you!!

Love&Serve!