God, Please Kill Me!

Reading Getting Dirty: Sex Is Great But Let's Be Honest by Christa Biyela had me searching for more of me. With every few pages I stopped and pondered about my own life, my childhood, my experiences and views on HIV/AIDS, sex, abuse, religion, living and dying.

Christa writes about how at some point in her life she spent nights praying to God, asking Him to take her life...I stopped and read that part again...It got me thinking, it sounded so familiar. I had said this prayer before, more than once.

So have you ever prayed this prayer? Asked God to take your life? What do you think God said? Oh well I guess it was a 'no' if you reading this. I think God laughed every time I asked Him to take my life.Thing is I always feel helpless whenever I ask God to end my life.But somehow after more prayer and usually a good cry and sleep I feel better.

Have you ever said a similar prayer? Did you feel helpless? How did you get that feeling to go away?Can you imagine feeling like that for days, weeks, months or even years? I imagine that's what leads to people taking their own lives...feeling helpless, believing you can't be helped, feeling lonely even though you are not alone. Feeling like you can't talk to anyone at all, fearing that you will be judged as weak and crazy or that your cry for help will not get you the comfort you think you need as remedy...it must be a really dark place.

I do not wish this for anyone but its happening to someone out there, a stranger or maybe even a relative or friend. In past few weeks I've been introspecting a lot on this...am I still a friend even in need? Will and can I listen and not judge? Do the words that I utter bring light or do they further destroy? How much do I really care about the needs of others? Do I sincerely and freely love? If you are reading this and feeling helpless, lets talk, its the least I can offer you right now. No matter how you "feeling" truth is you are loved and you need to find the path back to Love. 

"May Yahweh look with favor on you and give you peace." - Numbers 6:26

MEN IN MY LIFE: The INTRO

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the men in my life. Initially it was thoughts of the men I am surrounded by right now in my life and then I started paging my past and thoughts of those who were in my life started popping up. These thoughts have taken me on a journey of emotions and realising that this male specie has (and still is) actually affected my life quite much. I have been thinking of writing this piece for quite a while now but just could not decided how deep I want go.

As I am typing my trusted VOR (voice of reason) is whispering the word 'series...series' and as it might sound like a good idea I’m also laughing because I know myself well enough that chances of me finishing a series of writings are more on the slim side...and there I am on the other opposite end! (Maybe not the other end cause I’ve lost a few centimetres and grams over the past two months, so maybe I’m three quarters away, but that’s a post for another day!) The VOR is now screaming ‘Do it for the men!’ Okay! Now I have two decisions to make...and I haven’t even started sharing my thoughts, experiences and stories of these men...ja neh! The VOR is now telling me to chill...I think my VOR is a man...because most of the men that I have known in my life are chilled beings, especially those that are from elokshin. “Location” brothers are always laid back and looking cool: you greet them voice all high pitched and waving franticly then location brother would just nod back and if you lucky (or liked) you will get somewhat of a smile/smirk and its norm from where I’m from!

So Ima rep where I’m from and keep it chilled. I will try out writing series of blogs about these men but I am not sure if I will complete them but what I do promise is that I will be as honest and true as possible. I want to share the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly and most importantly what I have learned and I am currently learning from and through my brothers. I believe God made male and female for a reason and I am convinced that it wasn’t for the “battle of sexes” but for a much more meaningful and mutually benefiting purpose.

Love Yezulu

*Location/ elokshin: Township

CHATS with GOD

I have not posted in a while and truth is I have been busy. Stru!! Not too busy to post but my mind has been so occupied with getting my new work up and running that I havent had the time to collect my thoughts into a single blog post. It has been a ride of excitement, frustration, anxiety, joy, self doubt and all other emotions which have just really turned my life into a mini circus. I have felt that I was on track one day then felt like I was at the end of me the next. My emotions have never been so active and as a result I have found myself on my knees conversing with my Father more than ever. I so need Him, His guidance, His Word more than ever before. I have grown to love these conversations even though  I do most of the talking (tltltltltlt!!) but I like how wherever I am, I can just stop and have a chat with my Creator and not neccesarily because I want to ask Him for something but just to thank Him, I have learned to come to Him with my joys too and just thank Him for His kindness and grace...and as we move closer to Passover week-end I cannot help myself but think of the LOVE sacrifice that took place so that I could be free to chat to my Father, whenever, wherever and about anything! This has been my greatest joy and benefit through the journey of starting PURPLE CLOTHING  and I hope to share it with others through my words, work and especially my deeds. No matter what happens my friend just know that God knows it all, sees it all and no matter how low we maybe feeling, we MUST trust that He is made a way and Jesus is thay Way!! :)
Ps. These are some of the pics of my work...

PEACE, JOY & LOVE

Photography by: Meg'N Photography